BACHELOR RECAP FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A SOMEWHAT SEXIST HUSBAND FORCED TO WATCH THE SHOW.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)
This week’s episode was totally watch-worthy 'cause of the contrived drama (thanks to the producers I'm sure) between Jake and Ali.

ON TO THE RECAP…
Jake hits 4 hottie hometowns.

GIA’S FAMILY: Jake takes a Circle-Line cruise with Gia (swimsuit model w/ rockin’ bod). He snaps some tasteful (Disney-esque) pics of her on the boat. Then they are off to meet the family. While breaking bread with the folks, the step-brother threatens to break both of Jake's legs if he dumps Gia. Apparently she had issues with the last Mr. Right. After dinner J&G sit on an authentic New York stoop and make out.

ALI’s FAMILY: Jake heads to Williamstown Mass to see Ali (hottie / cutie). First stop is a walk through Ali’s recently departed grandmother’s house. They both reflect on life, cry and hug. Next stop is mom’s place. During dinner Ali is concerned about what mom thinks of Jake. Mom says she never watched the show, but google’d Jake. She only found good stuff. Later in the evening mom admits that Jake is way better than Ali's other loser boyfriends. After dinner Ali and Jake sit outside. Ali tells Jake she loves him and swears she’d marry him right on the spot if he proposed. Jake says nothing and has a look like he’s holding in a fart. Just my opinion.

26.8 minutes later, Ali has the meltdown!!

TENLEY’S FAMILY: Ex-husband. Ex-husband. Ex-husband. Ex-husband. That’s all I got out of Jake's visit to Newberg, Oregon. Oh, and Tenley does a dance for Jake wearing a somewhat sexy outfit. Major boobage. 

VIENNA’S FAMILY: Jake’s last stop is Geneva, Florida. He meets Vienna (meh face, hot body) on the dock and they go for a jaunt through the swamp. Then it’s off to dinner with V’s uber-protective family. Jake immediately gets grilled by the dad. He tells Jake that he needs to treat his 23 yr old baby like a princess. Everyone in the family also agrees that Vienna is a determined, young lady that wont let anything or anyone get in her way. Later Jake tries to feel up Vienna in her old room. Dad walks in and laughs, then walks out. 

BACK AT ROSE-CEREMONY CENTRAL.

THE “ED” INCIDENT (yes, I watched last season): Jake is in his room when Ali makes a surprise visit. She cries and tells him if she stays on the show she'll lose her job (similar to Ed last season). Jake tells Ali he can’t give her a definite answer, but he does feel strongly for her. He then makes that "holding in a fart" look again. Ali says she needs to think things over and leaves. TV camera does a close-up on Jake’s patented breakdown and crying routine.

ROSE CEREMONY: The girls arrive and Ali tells Chris she’d like a moment with Jake alone. Up in the suite Ali tells Jake she still doesn’t know what she wants to do. Chris insists on an answer. After a commercial break Ali finally decides to leave. Jake returns to the rose ceremony to let the ladies know that no one will be eliminated. They cheer. He then tells them the “sex in the suite” episode takes place in St. Lucia. More cheers.

CUT to Ali in the limo second-guessing her decision.